Lost wanderer

Recently I have experienced many mixed up feelings, a lot of ups and downs. Also I have connected, talked to some people who have deep psychological problems but are willing to work with them. I thought that I could help, guide them or at least I would know what to say. Sadly, I hardly could put a sentence. I felt empty and helpless. On the other hand I felt so close to them, I felt inspired by them. I could not know how to express my mixed up feelings and thoughts because these people and our relationship are so fragile.

A slight difference about me and these people is that we are aware of our inner  demons and we want deal with it, we want to find ways to face it and heal. All this situation let me to understanding that I need to learn a lot. First, how to deal constructively not just with my own down moments but also with others who are experiencing it.


In my life I had few breakdowns. I have commited suicide two times,one ended in hospital. I was 17 years old. It was 10 years ago. Luckily antidepressants and some life changes helped me. I started to build my self again.
All these years I still struggle a lot, time to time I feel killing sadness, frustation and no meaning of life. But now I am conscious about this process.

Because of this experience I thought that I would know how to help others. I was lucky to find hope. It goes away and comes back, sometimes it feels so far but still I can feel it.
But I realized that I do not know what to tell others! For me it is a revelation. It shows that I still do not know how to work with myself and how to accept myself fully. I still try to run and hide from wounds that I have, from wrong doings and painful moments.
This writing is part of acception.

Also I started to read as much as possible. From biology, spiritual teachings to psychology. Also for quit some time I am interested in east phylosofy, I practice yoga and tai chi almost every day. It transformed me a lot. But I still have to fight.

I am really grateful for every moment with other fighters who are lost but ask for directions. When I hear them, I hear answers to my own questions too. This life gets interesting and adventurous.

Thank you to all beings!